These Tears We Cry
by kidarock
Summary: Severus Snape goes back to Hogwarts to visit the headmasters' tomb and grieve


Disclaimer: I own nothing at all. Not one little bit. Not even the charaters. Nor the song. Nor...ok i'm depressing myself...

A/n: I thought I would try a little something different from what I usually write. I thought I would have a go at writing how Snape feels after a year since Dumbledore's death. It has not been beta read because I no longer have a beta reader as she no longer has the time due to a few health problems, bless her. So I appologise if it does not make sense. If none of it does, please say so, so I can alter it later. The sone is from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack and its called Gollum's Song. I listened to it and it felt approprate for Severus. Anyhow, I hope you like it and don't forget to review!

Bex

These Tears We Cry

_Where once was life,_

_Now darkness falls,_

_Where once was love, _

_Love is no more,_

Grey clouds loomed above the white tomb of Albus Dumbledore. All around, autumn had begun to set in leaving the cold summer behind. Leaves of all colours had begun to fall from the trees giving them a derelict look of abandonment. It seemed the trees of the forbidden forest had given up hope along with most of its occupants. The only sign of life there was was the occasional wolf that had stumbled across the wrong path in search of food. The seed of evil had been planted ever since the schools closure. One bad thing happens and everybody deserts the place wanting to forget the memory. The only thing that stood out pure against the gloom of the place was the headmasters' tomb. But even now with all the occupants gone including the groundskeeper, grass, stinging nettles and ivory, had begun its inevitable trip up the white marble tomb and into the grooves.

Picking out all the little insects that had weeved their way around the immaculate detail, the grounds only other occupant stood like an everlasting shadow over the tomb itself. Letting his hands drift slowly over the soft surface, Severus began to take the ivory out of the headmasters' beard. Ignoring the bitter wind that coursed through him like a knife, Severus began to tell the headmaster everything he had accomplished ever since that fatal night a year ago.

"Its been too long, old friend." he whispered softly to the tomb. The weary look of the potions master indicated the hardship that had befallen the past year, leaving him looking like someone who had been in Azkaban all his life, and was now being released of his crime. "Yes, too long indeed,"

_Don't say, goodbye,_

_Don't say, I didn't try,_

_These tears we cry,_

_Are falling rain,_

Crouching down slowly because of his injured knee, the potions master winced as he finally felt the floor with his rough hands. Pushing his weight onto one hand, Severus pulled his legs from underneath him so that he was sitting on the damp ground. Wiping his muddy hand on his well-worn robes, Severus began pulling the weeds around the bottom of the tomb, casting them away like a well-worn rag into a ditch near by. 

"I'm so sorry…" he whispered as the salty, bitter tears began to well up in his eyes, and gradually falling down his waxy skin. "I did as you told me to, really I did." Severus wept in despair. "I saved Draco, I saved Potter…but I couldn't save you…"

Glancing at the grey clouds above, he shut his eyes quickly as another painful memory passed through his mind. Wiping his nose with his sleeve, Severus felt another wave of tears erupt from his eyes as his grief for the old man increased.

"I got in contact with the order, like you asked me to. Only that stupid werewolf believed me." Severus sniffed and wiped his eyes. "He managed to coax Potter into duelling lessons providing he was there to supervise, stupid brat. He's okay, I suppose. Still as bigheaded as his father. At least the anger he feels for me is helping his poor ability in duelling and occumency,"

_For all the lies you told us,_

_The hurt, the blame,_

_And we will weep,_

_To be so alone,_

The wind gave a particularly big gust and the leaves from the ground blew up into a little whirlwind. Severus watched blow over and in to the lake before shutting his eyes and imagining to be one of them. Just a hapless little leaf, after its long summer life, falling and dying only to become something new the year after. Tears began to well up again as Severus opened his eyes and glanced at the deserted school he once called home. Everything had turned upside down since he had left. The once well-kept grounds had now turned into a graveyard, the constant gloom of what had happened had not been forgiven.

Guilt had begun to override the grief and soon Severus was pouring out his secrets to the dead headmaster. The secrets he had never told, the ones he had kept locked in the back of his mind, and only to relive them under the cover of darkness where they could prevail sleep. They would never go away, and Severus wept for the lives he had perished. But not only those he had murdered, but for the murders caused by the grief of their families. Knowing that every moment he was alive, and their families had given up hope and life. Severus could here the headmasters words echo loudly in his mind as if they were said yesterday. _What's done is done. You can try to turn back time, but it will only throw them in to chaos. It is now best to save everybody else that you can and try to make up for the loss you have caused…_

_We are lost,_

_We can never go home…_

Oh yes. He remembered those specific words the first time the dark lord had asked him to go over to the light side to spy and retrieve the rest of the prophecy. It had given him the perfect excuse to reform himself and try to make a better life. But alas, it was not to be. A life of hard work and torture was all that was to be expected of Severus Snape. Alone with his dark arts and potions, the man was simply not to live the life of the better man. Alone he must suffer through what the world had to throw at him. Alone he must bare the scars and the burden of preparing the boy who lived against this psychopathic megalomaniac.

_So in the end,_

_I'll be what I'll be,_

_No loyal friend,_

_Was ever there for me,_

Feeling the dampness seep through his well-worn cloak, Severus continued to ignore it as though it was not happening. The only thing that mattered right at this moment was the headmaster and his tomb. Severus pulled up his good knee and pushed his foot against the ground to move him around the corner of the tomb. There he continued to pull up the tedious weeds that seemed determined to cover the headmasters' tomb. The bittersweet tears began cascading down his cheeks. Remembering every little thing about the greatest man Severus ever met caused pain in his heart. The honour of serving him. It was the only thing Severus felt that he could ever be truly proud of in his life, and the only thing he had done with true pride and loyalty. The small comforting thought that only remained in Severus was the fact that Albus Dumbledore trusted him up to the very end of his life. He trusted the miserable, pathetic human being that was Severus Snape and he made sure that Severus had known it.

_Now we say, goodbye,_

_We say, you didn't try,_

"Oh Albus, I need you more than ever…" Severus sniffed, letting his hands slide across the engraved letters of the headmasters' name. "I need you're council, you're guide. I am lost…"

Severus felt the feeling of hopelessness wash over him like the bitter wind. Without Albus Dumbledore, he was simply a nobody. The world saw him as the worst traitor of all, he had no real friends aside from the dead man he sat before and worst of all, he would die miserable and alone. Once his job was done, there was no where for Severus Snape to go. No home, no roaring fires and wine, no person that would care for Severus and no establishment. Nothing. He might as well die and meet the headmaster at the end. At least there, he would be welcome and have support to fight his battles.

_These tears you cry,_

_Have come too late,_

_Take back the lies,_

_The hurt, the pain,_

"I shall be seeing you soon, Albus. There is no place for me out here," Severus muttered hoarsely and glanced around grounds again. His home. The only place he had felt loved. He would leave a very detailed account of his version for headmistress McGonagall, explaining his reasons of why he turned to the dark side, what happened when he heard the prophecy and also the recent events of the headmasters' death. His only wish would be to be buried beside the headmaster, as his servant, as his colleague or as an unknown relative. Severus would also leave where he was planning to die so that she would find him and place him at his chosen burial site. He hoped she would comply with his dearest wish.

_And you will weep,_

_When you face the end alone,_

_You are lost,_

_You can never go home,_

The clouds over head were threatening to rain as they were forced by the wind from the east over the grounds of Hogwarts. Severus sat there until dusk pulling out the weeds beside the tomb, brooding over all the crazy things Albus had said. Once he was reasonably satisfied with his work, Severus pulled out an old cloth and muttered a cleaning spell on to the tomb. He rubbed his cloth up and down the tomb until the white stone was a dazzling white once again. Carefully moving in and out of the curves and grooves of the headmaster, Severus made him shine up as if he had been entombed just yesterday. Once he was finished, Severus stood back and admired his handy work of clearing up and polishing. Satisfied with the bright glare that the headmasters' tomb gave off, Severus nodded.

"See you again, old friend. Hopefully sooner rather than later," he said pensively. "Thank you for listening to me, not that you had much choice in the matter,"

Having said that, Severus began to limp away from the tomb and towards the edge of the Hogwarts grounds.

_You are lost,_

_You can never go home…_

_What did you think? Good? Bad? Please review andlet me know..._


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